When Shit Hits the Fan....

I want to pose a question for the few that trickle upon this page every now and then....

When shit hits the fan, who is there for you?

This is a rhetorical question, if you want to answer, I'm happy to hear it, but before you answer, be it me, yourself, or the invisible friend reading over your shoulder, think about it. I don't mean a few seconds "what comes first to your mind" sort of answer, but I mean, really think about it.

I've had a lot of time to think about this the last few weeks. Not that shit is hitting the fan for me, but in my family it is, at least to some extent. I've had to ask this question, be it in a round about or direct way, to several people as of late.

For me it is my family. I love my friends, and I know that they will always help where they can. However, they have lived of their own, some have families, some will "help" after an 'I told you so,' and some just are simply too far away to do anything besides listen (that's what I get for moving half way across the country, but eh what's love if you aren't willing to live in hell...umm I mean Texas for them ^_^).  Of those three the second (the 'I told you so') doesn't help because they necessarily want to, rather they, to me, are doing it for some sort of gratification, similar to kicked a dog when it's down then trying to help it back up. The first and last of the previously mentioned set I believe want to help, but are impeded by life, which in my book you can't hold against them. Mind you family can fall into those three categories as well, just as friends can exceed them.

My answer of family wasn't chosen out of disrespect for my friends, I do have friends that do more for me than some of my own family would ever dream up, but outside of a handful of people, I don't keep many friends. Some we simply grow apart and slowly lose contact, some change (on my part and theirs) in a manner that makes the friendship simply not possible anymore, and others turn out to be more interested in their own self-interest resulting in lies, backstabbing, and well things that I tend to not want to be around causing the friendship to die sometimes rather explosively. Family, however, you're stuck with. As much as I may have angered my parents in my teens years, or fought with my siblings as a child, I remain their child/sister. No matter the severity of a fight, or drastic change in personality, family sticks around (at least mine does).  My brother will always be my brother, and my mother my mom. We may not always like each other but when shit hits the fan they are the ones picking me up off the ground.

In high school I was a cutter, I was never suicidal but it was my way of controlling what I could. It was a very unhealthy habit, and something I would not do again if I could go back in time, but it is not something that I am entirely ashamed of either. I kept it a secret from my friends (best I could) because I didn't want them getting involved or taking it away from me by telling an authoritative figure. Try as I may to keep it from my family, though, they found out, and like it or not they helped me to stop.

When I dated a really bad boy who was physically, mentally, emotionally abusive, a boy who tried to rape me twice, my family did not judge me, or tell me "I told you so." Rather, my family held me, and let me cry, they quietly and lovingly supported me through all the ups and downs of breaking up and realizing that I deserved better than what he gave me. So yes, family, they are the ones to wipe the shit from my face when I throw it up wind, or when life just wants to cause trouble.

Now, if you have read this far, you might be wondering why I am pondering upon this thought. As I stated previously my life is going fairly well. My husband is amazing (though grumpy today due to a car problem) as per usual, I'm absolutely in love with my mother in-law, and my Grammy in-law is making excellent progress with her physical therapy.

In short, there is a person in my life, that no matter how much you love or encourage them, they always lean upon unreliable people (we shall call them Trouble for the sake of clarification). Trouble that lies to them, hurts them, and in some ways abuses them for decisions that would better their life. Trouble tears them down, and while I know why Trouble does this to my loved one (it is not something I need explained thank you) I cannot for the life of me understand why the person I care about would want Trouble in their life. I should know, I should understand, because I was once in a situation where a Trouble walked into my life, in fact many Troubles walked into my life and I welcomed them with open arms, thinking that i could heal them, help them before they dragged me to the depths of the ocean with every intention of drowning me. However, when I was in the position, I had that hope, I saw the good in them. My loved one sees what Trouble is and yet they still lay lifeless as they too are dragged to the ocean depths, I fear never to be heard of again.

Perhaps it has been too many years since those days for me, perhaps in all my experiences with such a world, I have found an area which I left unexplored... For now I know that no matter what I try to do it shall fall upon deaf ears and I am left to simply sit and wait, praying that in the end, the road that they have picked will not be their last. I am left hoping that when they reach the bottom of the beautiful blue ocean, that once was so warm and tempting, that the cold and pressure surrounding them is enough to make them fight, to make them swim for the surface. For if they don't, then I fear that they will fall into that darkness, and be lost,  though I and others wait we will be left waiting for a return that shall never come.

So I ask once more, think long and hard...when shit hits the fan, who is there for you? Think long, think hard, for the answer that you give may be more crucial than you think.